Episode 105: Jack Black transcript

Prologue: The Guest Star's dressing room
Scooter: (knocking on the Guest Star's dressing room door) "(Guest Star's Name), oh, (Guest Star's Name), 14 2nds 'til curtain, Mr. (Guest Star's last name)."

Guest Star: "Why thanks, Scooter, it'll be such an honor to do the show with all of you here."

Scooter: "Did you get those comic magazines that you ordered?"

Guest Star: "Yes, of course I did."

Cut to Kermit appearing through The Super Muppet Telethon logo.......

Kermit: "It's The Super Muppet Telethon, with our very special guest star, Mr. Jack Black, yaaaaay!"

[The Super Muppet Telethon Theme Tune In Background]

[Rowlf Playing Notes On Piano]

[Music Playing In Background]

Female Muppet friends: It's time to play the music, it's time to light the lights, it's time to meet the Muppets on The Super Muppet Telethon tonight

Male Muppet friends: it's time to put on make up, it's time to dress up right, it's time to raise the curtain on The Super Muppet Telethon tonight

Waldorf: why do we always come here

Statler: I guess we'll never know

Waldorf: it's like some kind of torture

Statler and Waldorf: to have to watch the show

[Brass Band Music Playing]

Kermit: and now let's get things started

Miss Piggy: why don't you get things started

Kermit and Muppet friends: it's time to get things started on the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational, this is where we do The Super Muppet Telethon.......

Gonzo's trumpet imitates a train whistle sound.........

Scene 1: Onstage/The introduction
Kermit: "Thank you, everybody, and welcome again to The Super Muppet Telethon, tonight's show is very amusing, 'cause our guest star for tonight is the talented and hilarious, Mr. (Guest Star's Name), but 1st, we have an opening musical #."

Lew Zealand: "Hey, Kermit, heads up!"

Lew Zealand throws 1 of his boomerang fish, right across the audience.

Kermit: "That's quite enough of that, Lew!"

The boomerang fish comes right back to Lew Zealand.......

Kermit: "Anyway, here's the Over the Rainbow performance."

Opening musical number: Over The Rainbow
[Piano Music Playing In Background]

Robin: Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high

there's a land that I heard of 

once in a lullaby

Gonzo: somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blue

and the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true

Fozzie: someday I'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me

Scooter: where troubles melt like lemon drops

away above the chimney tops

that's where you'll find me

Rizzo: somewhere ova' de rainbow, bluebirds fly 

birds fly ova' de rainbow 

why den oh why kin't I 

Walter: if happy little bluebirds fly, beyond the rainbow

why oh why can't I

Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony..............

Waldorf: "So, Statler, have you ever gone over a rainbow before?"

Statler: "No, but I went across a bridge in the forest myself."

Waldorf: "Well, what do you call that?"

Statler: "A magical universe!"

Statler and Waldorf: [Laughing Uncontrollably]

Cut back to Kermit in his office, backstage........

Kermit: "Robin, Fozzie, Gonzo, Rizzo, Scooter, Walter, you guys did a fantastic job out there."

Robin: "Thanks, Uncle Kermit, we really appreciate it."

Fozzie: "What a strong magical feeling."

Gonzo: "There's nothing weird about a fantasy dream sequence."

Rizzo: "We'll always be dere puh'fo'min' right in front uh de entire audience."

Scooter: "Be sure to have good luck with all of it."

Walter: "Alright, we'll see you later for the closing musical #."

Kermit: "Alright, you guys."

Kermit: "Now let's see, uh......Bear on Patrol, Bear on Patrol is next onstage, everybody."

Bear on Patrol sketch number: knocking down a magazine rack
Announcer:"And now, ridding the world of evil, here comes Bear on Patrol."

Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "Alright, here's the patrol police department."

Captain Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "Oh, what is it now, Patrol Bear?"

Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "In here, you, come on, come on."

Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "Kind sir, I caught this guy doing something dangerous."

Captain Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "Oh yeah? then what's his name?"

Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "Beauregard."

Captain Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "And what did he do?"

Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "Well, he knocked down a magazine rack and a lot of magazines were falling all over the place."

Captain Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "How did it happen?""

Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "He was walking around in the grocery store, and all of a sudden he bumped right into the magazine rack, and knocked it down."

Captain Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "Listen here, Beauregard, are you guilty or innocent?"

Beauregard: "I'm innocent, I tell you, it was an accident."

Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "He's innocent."

Captain Link Hogthrob: "Well, in that case, Beauregard, you're free to go right now."

Beauregard: "Oh, thank you, Officer Hogthrob."

Beauregard cheerfully walks around like somebody who's been released.

The Swedish Chef sketch number: Banana cream pudding
Music Playing In Background]

Swedish Chef: Yorn desh born, der ritt de gitt der gue, 

orn desh, dee born desh, 

de umn 

bork, bork, bork

Swedish Chef: "Tuneeght, ve-a're-a mekeeng bununa creem pooddeeng, fery guud und testy, yuoo bet."

Swedish Chef: "Furst, ve-a poot in oone-a pecket ooff funeella pooddeeng meex into zee meexing bool."

The Swedish Chef puts in 1 packet of vanilla pudding mix into the mixing bowl....

Swedish Chef: "Next, ve-a poot in tvu coops ooff meelk intu zee meexing bool."

Swedish Chef: "Und noo, ve-a meex zeem up fur ebuoot tvu meenootes."

The Swedish Chef sets the microwave timer for 2 minutes, and begins mixing up the vanilla pudding.

[Microwave Timer Beeping]

Swedish Chef: "Noo, ve-a peel fuoor bununes, und sleece-a zeem up."

The Swedish Chef is about to peel 4 bananas and slice them up, but they come to life....

All 4 Talking Bananas: "No, don't cut any of us, please, don't cut any of us!"

Swedish Chef: "Vhet zee hey?"

Veterinarian's Hospital sketch Number: Rizzo as the patient
Announcer: "And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of a quack, who's gone to the dogs."

Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "And I told them to go to the left side of the road, but he didn't hear me, so he went on the right side of the road and drove off."

Miss PIggy/Nurse Piggy: "Oh, Dr. Bob, you always tell those crazy jokes."

Janice/Nurse Janice: "So, Dr. Bob, who's the patient this time?"

Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Well, Nurse Janice, this patient is not very big, he's not very medium, he's very short, but he's not a gerbil."

Rowlf/Dr. Bob lifts the corner of the green blanket and reveals Rizzo lying there because of hay fever.

Janice/Nurse Janice: "Dr. Bob, this rat's been sneezin' for quite a long time."

Rizzo: "No kiddin', I could be havin' some terrible case uh hay feva."

Rizzo: [Sneezes Lightly]

Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Whoa, that's 1 little sneeze you have, but luckily you're a rat and you're not allergic to cheese products."

Announcer: "Will Dr. Bob ever cure Rizzo outta his sneezing habits? will Nurse Piggy ever get a glamorous look? will Nurse Janice ever be a proper nurse? tune in next time when you'll hear Dr. Bob say-"

Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Well, Rizzo, you were right, you do have a terrible case of hay fever."

Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the Balcony again.

Waldorf: "You know, Statler, I once went to a medical center for my flu shot."

Statler: "Well, what did the Dr. tell you?"

Waldorf: "You're looking 27 % sharp!"

Statler and Waldorf: [Laughing Uncontrollably Again]

Cut back to Kermit's office backstage again.......

Kermit: "Well, this is beginning to be a good show tonight."

The guest star enters Kermit's office backstage.

Guest Star: "Hey, Kermit, how's it going?"

Kermit: "Oh, pretty good, but have you seen Dr. Honeydew and Beaker, lately?"

Guest Star: "No, I haven't seen them recently."

Cut to Bunsen and Beaker in the other part of the theater..........

Bunsen: "Well, another night, another show, now I can just take this glass of Fresca up to (Guest Star's Name)'s dressing room."

Beaker shows up with the ultimate invisibility potion in his right hand.

Beaker: (singsong voice) Mee, mee!

Bunsen: "Oh, Beaker, what are you doing with that Ultimate Invisibility Potion?"

Beaker: "Mee, mo, mo, mee, mo, mee."

Beautiful Day Monster: "Ultimate invisibility potion?"

Clifford: "I knew this was gonna be a very different kind of show tonight."

Bunsen: "Beaker, we must switch these glasses immediately."

Beaker: "Mee, mo, mee."

Bunsen: "Of course I'm right, Beaker, after all, we wouldn't want Mr. (Guest Star's last name) to accidentally drink the Ultimate Invisibility Potion, it would be disastrous."

Bunsen and Beaker walk around over to Kermit's office door and enter Kermit's office backstage.

Guest Star: "Dr. Honeydew, Beaker, what brings you guys here?"

Bunsen: "Well, Mr. (Guest Star's last name), Beaker and I have brought you a Fresca to help your relaxation."

Guest Star: "Well, I guess 1 soda pop couldn't hurt to try."

Beaker: "Mee, mo, mo, mee, mo, mee, mee, mo!"

Bunsen: "Oh come on, Beaker, I think it's lovely."

The Guest Star mistakenly grabs the Ultimate Invisibility Potion, then takes 1 little sip of it, and becomes invisible, himself.

Guest Star: "Hey, what's going on around here? I'm invisible!"

Bunsen: "Oh my goodness gracious, Beaker, I don't think we got it right after all!"

Beaker: "Mee, mo, mee, mo, mee!"

Bunsen: "Oh knock it off, Beaker, there's no such things as ghosts, goblins or any other creepy looking creatures."

At the Dance sketch number: same as always
All of the male Muppet friends are dancing with the female Muppet friends......

Rowlf: "Left and right, left and right, back and forth, left and right."

Female Light Blue Whatnot: "You always have the right moves."

Fozzie: "What do you get when you cross a circus clown with a goat?"

Female Purple Whatnot: "I don't know, what do you get?"

Fozzie: "A silly billy!"

Female Purple Whatnot: "I used to remember that joke."

George: "So, Mildred, are you getting the hang of this fancy dance party we're having?"

Mildred Huxtetter: "Why yes, of course I'm getting the hang of it."

Everybody continues dancing romantically...........

Cut back to Kermit's office backstage again.....

Kermit: "Alright, let's see what's next on the list, uh.....Muppet Labs is next, Muppet Labs is next onstage."

Muppet Labs sketch number: Automatic Water Shooter
[Clock Ticking]

[Muppet Labs Theme Music Playing In Background]

Bunsen: "Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, here at Muppet Labs where the future is being made today."

Beaker: "Mee, mo, mee, mo, mee, mo, mee."

Bunsen: "We're demonstrating 1 of our latest inventions that can get you soaked up for the summer time: the Automatic Water Shooter."

Beaker: "Mee, mee, mo, mee, mee."

Bunsen: "Beaker will now demonstrate how it really works, show them, Beaker."

Beaker: "Mee, mo, mee."

Beaker plugs in the Automatic Water Shooter......

Bunsen: "Now watch very carefully, and see what happens." The Automatic Water Shooter suddenly shoots water outta the machine.

Bunsen: "Oh, perfect, Beaker, we have our solution."

The Automatic Water Shooter suddenly shoot water at Beaker....

Beaker: [Shrieking And Meeping In Alarm]

Bunsen: "Well, that's all the time we have left for today, join us next time, here at Muppet Labs."

Pigs in Space sketch number: Space Commander (Guest Star)
Announcer: "And now it's time for Pigs in Spaaace, starring Captain Link Hogthrob, 1st Mate Miss Piggy and the wise cracking scientific genius, Dr. Strangepork."

Announcer: "Where we last left the Swine Trek crew, there was a very important announcement about a space monster invasion."

Captain Link Hogthrob: "Boy oh boy, it sure is getting pretty boring around here lately."

Dr. Strangepork: "I have an idea, let's see what's on Satelite News."

Miss PIggy/1st Mate Piggy: "Good idea, just turn on the television screen."

Dr. Strangepork turns on the television screen.

Space Commander (Guest Star): "Fellow Swine Trek crew, there's a great big emergency situation going on around this entire planet, a great big space monster is attacking the Swine Trek, I repeat: a great big space monster is attacking the Swine Trek, you must keep yourselves safe and secure at all times!"

Dr. Strangepork turns off the television screen.

Captain Link Hogthrob: "So what did the space commander say, Dr. Strangepork?"

Dr. Strangepork: "He said that a great big space monster is attacking the Swine Trek."

Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy: "Oh my gosh, that's a terrible situation!"

Captain Link Hogthrob: "We better call for back up plans!"

The great big space monster (Behemoth) appears in the swine trek.

Great Big Space Monster (Behemoth): "I got you now..."

Dr. Strangepork: "I found the solution to get rid of him."

Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy: "What would that be?"

Dr. Strangepork: "My Ultra-Powerful Monster Eliminator 600, observe and watch."

Dr. Strangepork zaps the great big space monster (Behemoth), and he disappears in thin air.

Captain Link Hogthrob: "Way to go, Dr. Strangepork, you finally got rid of the great big space monster."

Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy: "Great going."

Announcer: "Will Dr. Strangepork ever keep up with his scientific methods? does 1st Mate Piggy know anything about earth science? will no space monsters ever attack the Swine Trek? find out next on Pigs in Spaaace."

Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage.........

Sam enters the office.......

Sam: "Kermit, would it be necessary for me to do the next introduction?"

Kermit: "Why sure, Sam, of course."

Sam goes out onstage.........

Sam: "And now, the very popular singing duo, Wayne and Wanda, and their rendition of Darlin' Clementine."

Sam: "I sure hope this works out just fine."

Wayne and Wanda sketch number: Darlin' Clementine
[Music Playing In Background]

Wanda: 'In a cavern, in a canyon, excavating for a mine, dwelt a miner forty-niner, and his daughter Clementine'

Wayne: 'oh my darlin', Oh my darlin', oh my darlin' Clementine, you are lost and gone forever, dreadful sorry Clementine'

Suddenly, a pile of clementine oranges fall right on Wayne....

Wanda: "Oh well, easy come, easy goes."

Wayne: "No problem, no problem."

The curtains close and Kermit arrives out onstage......

Kermit: "Alright, that was a bit fantastic, but not too dramatic, so anyway, it's time for a closing musical #, so here's our rendition of The Lion Sleeps Tonight."

Closing musical number: The Lion Sleeps Tonight
Beaker: Mee, mee mee, mee mee, mee, mee mee, mee mee, mee mee, mee mee, mee 

All Muppet friends: wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh

Kermit: In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight, in the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight

Kermit and Muppet friends: wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh

Fozzie: near the village, the peaceful village, the lion sleeps tonight, near the village, the quiet village, the lion sleeps tonight

Kermit and Muppet friends: wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh

Scooter: hush my darling, don't fear my darling, the lion sleeps tonight, hush my darling, don't fear my darling, the lion sleeps tonight

Kermit and Muppet Friends: wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh

Camilla: (clucking: ee-e-e-oh-mum-a-weh, e-e-e-oh-mum-a-weh')

Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony once more........

Statler: "So, Waldorf, ever seen a real lion before?"

Waldorf: "No, but I've seen a lot of spiders in my backyard."

Statler: "Then you must be tangled in a web!"

Statler and Waldorf: [Laughing Uncontrollably Again]

Scene 2: The final wrap up
Kermit: "Alright, thank you, everybody for coming, right before we go, I'd like for all of you to give a big round of applause for our guest star, unless of course he's still invisible from the Ultimate Invisibility Potion."

Scooter: "Oh good news, Kermit, he's completely visible again."

Kermit: "Oh good, and now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. (Guest Star's Name), yaaaaaay!"

The Guest Star arrives out onstage........

Guest Star: "Thanks, everybody, it's been such a wonderful time performing with all of you on The Super Muppet Telethon tonight."

Bunsen and Beaker step out onstage as well........

Bunsen: "Well, I finally did it, I finally put the Ultimate Invisibility Potion right where it belongs."

Guest Star: "Oh good, now I don't need to worry about being invisible again."

Kermit: "We'll see you next time on The Super Muppet Telethon."

Muppet Character Voice Performers
Waldorf: "Hey, Statler, can that invisibility potion stuff be majorly expensive?"
 * Matt Vogel
 * Eric Jacobson
 * Dave Goelz
 * Bill Barretta
 * David Rudman
 * Raymond Carr
 * Julianne Buescher
 * Peter Linz

Statler; "Well, no, but 1 of my cousins takes 1 dosage of it all day and night."

Waldorf: "Then it must be like having an invisible visitor!

Statler and Waldorf: [Laughing Uncontrollably 1 Last Time]