GAT (2017 Movie)/Transcript

'''EXT. GREENWICH, LONDON - AFTERNOON'''

Friendly teacher SIR ROBERT GODFREY is arguing with brave hairdresser PROF UNA RUSSELL. ROBERT tries to hug UNA but she shakes him off. ROBERT Please Una, don't leave me. UNA I'm sorry Robert, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away. ROBERT I am such a person! UNA frowns. UNA I'm sorry, Robert. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore. UNA leaves.

ROBERT sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, sympathetic detective DI KATY MEADOWS barges in looking flustered. ROBERT Goodness, Katy! Is everything okay? KATY I'm afraid not. ROBERT What is it? Don't keep me in suspense... KATY It's ... an alien ... I saw an evil alien terrify a bunch of elderly gents! ROBERT Defenseless elderly gents? KATY Yes, defenseless elderly gents! ROBERT Bloomin' heck, Katy! We've got to do something. KATY I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start. ROBERT You can start by telling me where this happened. KATY I was... KATY fans herself and begins to wheeze. ROBERT Focus Katy, focus! Where did it happen? KATY a book shop! That's right - a book shop! ROBERT springs up and begins to run.

'''EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS'''

ROBERT rushes along the street, followed by KATY. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.

'''EXT. A BOOK SHOP - SHORTLY AFTER'''

SANDIE MACDONALD a peculiar alien terrorises two elderly gents.

ROBERT, closely followed by KATY, rushes towards SANDIE, but suddenly stops in his tracks. KATY What is is? What's the matter? ROBERT That's not just any old alien, that's Sandie MacDonald! KATY Who's Sandie MacDonald? ROBERT Who's Sandie MacDonald? Who's Sandie MacDonald?Only the most peculiar alien in the universe! KATY Blinkin' knickers, Robert! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most peculiar alien in the universe! ROBERT You can say that again. KATY Blinkin' knickers, Robert! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most peculiar alien in the universe! ROBERT I'm going to need knives, lots of knives. Sandie turns and sees Robert and Katy. He grins an evil grin. SANDIE Robert Godfrey, we meet again. KATY You've met? ROBERT Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

'''EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME'''

A young ROBERT is sitting in a park listening to some R & B music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.

He looks up and sees SANDIE. He takes off his headphones. SANDIE Would you like some wine gums? ROBERT's eyes light up, but then he studies SANDIE more closely, and looks uneasy. ROBERT I don't know, you look kind of peculiar. SANDIE Me? No. I'm not peculiar. I'm the least peculiar alien in the world. ROBERT Wait, you're a alien? ROBERT runs away, screaming.

'''EXT. A BOOK SHOP - PRESENT DAY''' SANDIE You were a coward then, and you are a coward now. KATY (To ROBERT) You ran away? ROBERT (To KATY) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do? ROBERT turns to SANDIE. ROBERT I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time! ROBERT runs away.

He turns back and shouts. ROBERT I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with knives. SANDIE I'm not scared of you. ROBERT You should be.

'''INT. TATE MODERN, ST IVES - LATER THAT DAY'''

ROBERT and KATY walk around searching for something. ROBERT I feel sure I left my knives somewhere around here. KATY Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly knives. ROBERT You know nothing Katy Meadows. KATY We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here. Suddenly, SANDIE appears, holding a pair of knives. SANDIE Looking for something? KATY Crikey, Robert, he's got your knives. ROBERT Tell me something I don't already know! KATY The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km. ROBERT I know that already! KATY I bite my toenails. SANDIE (appalled) Dude! While SANDIE is looking at KATY with disgust, ROBERT lunges forward and grabs his deadly knives. He wields them, triumphantly. ROBERT Prepare to die, you peculiar cauliflower! SANDIE No please! All I did was terrify a bunch of elderly gents! UNA enters, unseen by any of the others. ROBERT I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those elderly gents were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Robert Godfrey defender of innocent elderly gents. SANDIE Don't hurt me! Please! ROBERT Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these knives on you right away! SANDIE Because Robert, I am your father. ROBERT looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself. ROBERT No you're not! SANDIE Ah well, it had to be worth a try. SANDIE tries to grab the knives but ROBERT dodges out of the way. ROBERT Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh? Unexpectedly, SANDIE slumps to the ground. KATY Did he just faint? ROBERT I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly knives. ROBERT crouches over SANDIE's body. KATY Be careful, Robert. It could be a trick. ROBERT No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Sandie MacDonald is dead! ROBERT What? ROBERT Yes, it appears that I scared him to death. KATY claps her hands. KATY So your knives did save the day, after all. UNA steps forward. UNA Is it true? Did you kill the peculiar alien? ROBERT Una how long have you been...? UNA puts her arm around ROBERT. UNA Long enough. ROBERT Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Sandie MacDonald. UNA Then the elderly gents are safe? ROBERT It does seem that way! A crowd of vulnerable elderly gents enter, looking relived. UNA You are their hero. The elderly gents bow to ROBERT. ROBERT There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Sandie MacDonald will never terrify elderly gents ever again, is enough for me. UNA You are humble as well as brave! One of the elderly gents passes ROBERT a gold necklace UNA I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude. ROBERT I couldn't possibly. Pause. ROBERT Well, if you insist. ROBERT takes the necklace. ROBERT Thank you. The elderly gents bow their heads once more, and leave.

ROBERT turns to UNA. ROBERT Does this mean you want me back? UNA Oh, Robert, of course I want you back! ROBERT smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant. ROBERT Well you can't have me. UNA WHAT? ROBERT You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a alien to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that. UNA But... ROBERT Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Katy. KATY grins. UNA But... KATY You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo! UNA Robert? ROBERT I'm sorry Una, but I think you should skidaddle. UNA leaves.

KATY turns to ROBERT. KATY Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend? ROBERT Of course you are! The two walk off arm in arm.

Suddenly KATY stops. KATY When I said I bite my toenails, you know I was just trying to distract the alien don't you?