Episode 104: Linda Cardellini transcript

Prologue: The Guest Star's dressing room
Scooter: [Knocking On Door 5 Times] "(Guest Star's Name), oh, (Guest Star's Name), 17 2nds 'til curtain, Miss (Guest Star's Last Name)."

Guest Star: "Thanks a bunch, Scooter, I'll be with you guys in a jiffy."

Scooter: [Gasping And Wheezing]

Scooter tumbles right towards the table and reveals a pretend dagger in his back side and falls right over on the table.

Guest Star: "Wow, Scooter, that was a wonderful rehearsal."

Scooter: (getting right up from the table) "It sure was."

Guest Star: "I know, let's go do the show right now."

Cut to Kermit appearing through The All-New Muppet Show logo.........

Kermit: "It's The All-New Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Miss Linda Cardellini, yaaaaay!"

[The Super Muppet Telethon Theme Music In Background]

Rowlf: [Playing On Piano Keys]

[Upbeat Music In Background]

Female Muppet friends: It's time to play the music

it's time to light the lights

it's time to meet the Muppets

on The Super Muppet Telethon tonight

Male Muppet friends: it's time to put on make-up

it's time to dress up right

it's time to raise the curtain

on The Super Muppet Telethon tonight

Waldorf: why do we always come here

Statler: I guess we'll never know

Waldorf: it's like some kind of torture

Statler and Waldorf: to have to watch the show

[Music Continues In Background]

Kermit: and now let's get things started

Miss Piggy: why don't you get things started

Kermit and Muppet friends: it's time to get things started 

on the most sensational

inspirational

celebrational 

Muppetational 

this is what

we call 

The Super Muppet Telethon

[Spooky Pipe Organ Music Playing]

Scene 1: Onstage/The opening number
Kermit: "Thank you, everybody, and welcome again to The Super Muppet Telethon, our guest star for tonight is 1 of the few young ladies in the entire universe who deserves the title super star, Miss (Guest Star's Name), and above that, we're gonna do a different type of show tonight, just as a matter of fact, it's super different, I need to go backstage and get prepared for it, (he turns right over to where Scooter's standing) hey, Scooter, could you come in here and take over for me?"

Scooter arrives onstage with the pretend dagger still pinned to his backside.

Scooter: [Gasping And Wheezing Again]

Scooter falls right over again.

Kermit: "Hey, Scooter, could you please quit rehearsing? it's time to begin the murder mystery play."

Scooter: "Oh yeah, Kermit, sorry 'bout that."

Kermit goes right backstage to get prepared for his character in the murder mystery play.

Scooter: "Ladies and gentlemen, good friends of all ages, the Muppet Players hereby present an evening of intrigue and mysteries, let the murder mystery begin."

The murder mystery play
Kermit: (narrating) It was Friday evening in June, someplace in the city town, a lonesome saxophone was playing, it was the kind of a New York style summer evening when you expect to see lily pads growing on Broadway, I was just stopping right by the office for an ice cold diet root beer and browsing right through the paper work 'cause I had just finished 1 missing pollywog case, being a detective isn't too much of a job if you like 1st class, which is why the visitor surprised me.

Guest Star/Mona Jones: [Knocking On Door]

Kermit/Detective Kermit: "Oh, come in here, please."

Guest Star/Mona Jones: "Excuse me, but are you Kermit the Detective?"

Kermit/Detective Kermit: "Just like it says right here on my door, sweet cakes."

Guest Star/Mona Jones: "Oh good, by the way, I'm Mona Robinson, the television movie actress, I bet you heard about me."

Kermit/Detective Kermit: "I know that face from the newspapers and the name from the marquee, Mona, opening a super good show at the theater tomorrow evening, right?"

Guest Star/Mona Jones: "Yes, right, [Chuckles Nervously] no, I... oh, that's just it, I don't know, you got no idea, you got no idea what a living nightmare I'm going through, the dread, the horror."

Kermit/Detective Kermit: "Try to stay calm and relax a bit and tell me about it."

Guest Star/Mona Jones: "Alright, (she sits right down at Kermit's desk and rummages right through her purse) well I got to my dressing room this morning and I found this note."

Kermit/Detective Kermit: (reading the note) Close down the entire show, if you try to open up, you'll all pass away, "what exactly does it mean, Mona?"

Guest Star/Mona Jones: "It was so ghastly, it was pinned right on my dresser."

Kermit/Detective Kermit: "What's so ghastly about it?"

Guest Star/Mona Jones: "Well, Detective Kermit, it was pinned with this and my dresser's name is Petunia."

Kermit/Detective Kermit: "It's beginning to get so ghastly."

Guest Star/Mona Jones: [Whimpers Nervously In Fear]

Kermit/Detective Kermit: "But don't worry about it, sweet cakes, I can handle this."

Guest Star/Mona Jones: "Oh I'm pretty sure you can, Mr. Frog, I place myself entirely in your flipper-hands."

The Guest Star/Mona Jones takes Kermit's/Detective Kermit's right flipper-hand.

The Golden Mansion
Kermit: (still narrating) The Golden Mansion looked just like any other mansion during dinner time, and while Mona went to change for the rehearsal, I just hung around with my good friends and trying not to be conspicuous.

Swedish Chef/Baker Bill: "Freshly beked brooneees frum zee keetchee oofee."

Kermit/Detective Kermit walks around and notices the brownies that the Swedish Chef/Baker Bill just baked.

Kermit/Detective Kermit: "Hey thanks a bunch, Baker Bill, I bet everybody's gonna enjoy them."

[Sounds Of Lasers Shooting]

Scooter: "What in the name of Disney World is that noise?"

Swedish Chef/Baker Bill: "I dun't knoo vhere-a it's cumeeng frum, I-"

The Swedish Chef/Baker Bill is shot by a laser gun, but no real lasers are shooting right out of it.

Swedish Chef/Baker Bill: "Ouuuuuh, mmmmm ouuuuhhh."

Kermit/Detective Kermit: "I'm afraid that Baker Bill's-"

The Swedish Chef/Baker Bill collapses right on the floor and pretends to pass away.

Kermit/Detective Kermit: "Baker Bill's deceased."

Janice: "Oh, like, now the bakery business is never gonna be complete."

Gonzo: "We'd better find the mysterious murderer right before he gets away with everything."

Fozzie: "Come on, everybody, let's go find the mysterious murderer, but don't step on Baker Bill."

The Muppet friends go right out to find the mysterious murderer.

[Music In Background]

Lew Zealand: Oh where oh where

has the murderer gone?

oh where oh where

can he be?

with his laser gun in his right hand

and a bunch of weapons

oh where oh where

can he be?

Kermit: (still narrating) "The 1st murder's been committed and the police department signed Patrol Bear for the case."

Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "Patrol Bear reporting for duty, kind sir."

Kermit/Detective Kermit: "I thought you were out there arresting those street burglars."

.Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "Kind sir, I'm gonna ask them some questions."

Kermit/Detective Kermit: "Okay, Patrol Bear, go ahead."

Walter and other Muppet friends: "Not me, no way."

Scooter: "They're fibbing, they all disagreed with him."

Kermit/Detective Kermit: "Do you know which 1's the mysterious murderer?

Scooter: "I sure do, the mysterious murderer is-"

Scooter: [Gasping And Wheezing Once Again]

Scooter drops down deceased, but not really.

Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "He's deceased!"

Kermit: "Come on, everybody, let's go right into the living room and look for the mysterious murderer."

Gonzo: "Right on, Detective Kermit, let's go."

The living room
They're now looking for the mysterious murderer.

Wayne: "Oh!"

Wanda: "Yikes!"

Bobby Benson: "Oh my!"

Mildred Huxtetter: "Oh dear!"

Skeeter: "The terror!"

Muppy: [Barks In Fear]

Lyle: "That's gotta hurt!"

Wolfhound: "Get this arrow outta me!"

Wayne, Wanda, Bobby Benson, Mildred Huxtetter, Skeeter, Muppy, Lyle and Wolfhound are now deceased (not really).

Guest Star/Mona Jones: "Okay, we're gonna turn out the lights and we're about to reveal the name of the mysterious murderer, Patrol Bear, do the deed."

Fozzie/Patrol Bear turns the lights out.

Guest Star/Mona Jones: "I hereby accuse-"

Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "The mysterous murderer is....(he turns the lights back on.) Uncle Deadly."

Rowlf: "I always knew there was something mysterious about him."

Link Hogthrob: "So he's the 1 behind the mysterious murders."

Uncle Deadly: "I guess it's true, I did kill off Baker Bill and a few other guests in the Golden Mansion."

Kermit/Detective Kermit: "We finally solved the murder mystery, Patrol Bear, take our mysterious murderer to the jail cage."

Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "Yes, Detective Kermit, sir."

Fozzie/Patrol Bear puts Uncle Deadly right into the jail cage.

Scooter: "Well good thing Uncle Deadly's in the jail cage,"

Rowlf: "now we don't need to worry about being killed off."

Fade to another black screen.....